f I Could Do it Over

If I Could Do it Over

First, I would make it an assignment, a duty, to go outside and walk.  Every day.  I lived in Southern California!  I had a favorite spot to walk...but I had issues.  But to just WalK.  Because if you want to hold onto something, you keep doing it.  And SwimminG.  I went to a weekly MS class sponsored by NMSS...i had some difficulty swamming in the deep end.  Swimming is a super excellent, awesome way to excercise your whole body all-at-once.

This includes a membership to a gym to use thier Elliptical machines.  Even after recieving the televised advice from Montel Williams (and thinking yes) (he was diagnosed in 1999 like I was).  I found public staircases to walk up & down.   *And* a referral to physical therapy.  To work closely with a physical therapist.

But I did none of these.  What I didn't do, is sit in front of the TV, and the computer, all day every day.  I was in denial and a deep level.  It was disguised though.  I did not consider myself to be in denial… Until I move to Oregon and the doctors here would tell me that I was in denial. I didn't realize how soon it might turn to THIS.  No, that it WOULD turn to this.  I just accepted each stage and did not fight.  It was depression.  Not until I started to take care of my depression did I realize all that I could do. But by then, I am not able to walk, to turn myself in the bed and now my arms are starting to curl in and are too weak to Brush my teeth… Almost. Add a psychiatrist to a physical therapist, and a neurologist.

I could go on with the opportunities that came my way but I did not take advantage of.  These things, these interactions with people, are painful for me to look back on.  I am looking back at a lot of things in my life that are painful, a death bed type of thing is happening in my brain these days.  This disease for me (these days) is being trapped inside my body.  Trapped inside my wheelchair.  And it is far from over.  I can see myself ending up like Annette Funicello.

I am still not sure if I regret not taking one of the injectable drugs.  In the beginning, I used Avonex for about a year.  Before I moved to Oregon, I was using Betaseron… This drug you have to titrate up.  If I was going to quit, I should  have titrated down!  Or, better than that… Don't quit!

So, what can I do now?  I still have the top half of my body.  I do some exercises with that in the morning.  I need to start thinking about how to bodybuilder the top half of my body!